Challenge Fic: Lord Voldemort's Diary, R

Title: Lord Voldemort's Diary
Rating: R
Pairings: Voldemort/various DEs, Lucius/Snape.
Words: 1800
Summary: Not quite a year in the world of Death Eater orgies, world domination, and good hair.
Notes: Written for the imitation challenge, in the style of Helen Fielding (ala Bridget Jones's Diary). Parody.



~~ 1 January 1981 ~~

Number of Loyal Followers: 42. Muggles killed: 3. Wanks: 0 (v. bloody good!). World domination progression: poor.

11:33 AM. Private Chambers.

The annual Death Eater New Years Eve orgy went on as usual - v. few mishaps, barring that incident with Macnair and the tub of polish sausage. Lucius Malfoy spent most of the time whining about how he should be at some society function rather than fucking his wife over the chess table while I watched. He would be on my naughty list, except for the fact that he brought in two of the Muggle sacrifices. They were v. sporting, screamed and everything.

Last night I had sex with:
Walden Macnair (before the sausage incident)
The Lestranges (v. hot double penetration in which she called me 'Lord and Master' as she came)
Lucius Malfoy (one more reason I haven't killed him yet - has mouth like a vacuum)
Kimber Anne Goyle (can lift her legs over her head)
Severus Snape (decent standby)

No wanking, as per my New Years resolution. Intend to have much sex in order to maintain this decree.

Were far too busy shagging like rabid bunnies to worry about world domination. Must get back to that post haste.

11:57 AM.

Am so bloody hungover. What good is being Living God if cannot hold own alcohol?

12:07 PM.

Augustus Rookwood just came by and offered to blow me for a place among my Loyal Followers. Hurrah! Am up to 42. May start own football club.

12:14 PM.

May have spoken too quickly. Much prefer Lucius Malfoy. I think I'll have a bit of a nap now, and go back to world domination tomorrow.


~~ 12 January 1981 ~~

Number of Loyal Followers: 40 (damn!), Muggles killed: 0 (too depressed about L.F.), Wanks: 3 (see previous explanation. Still, v. poor). World domination progression: better.

9:34 AM. Secret Lair.

Turns out that Lucius Malfoy is a complete pussy. He came to me with news that his wife is concerned about the welfare of their son, Draco. (Who names a child Draco anyway? Sounds like a Spanish drag queen. Introducing... Senor Draco, Queen of the Pink Flamingos!)

"She fears that having two parents in the workforce will hinder his ability to form affectionate bonds during his formative years," Lucius told me. He looked nervous. Was gripping the damned cane like it might fly away.

"You don't work," I reminded him, "You inherit."

"Well, yes, but..." He lowered his voice. "We're both, you know, Death Eaters."

"And someday your son will follow in your enlightened footsteps." I wondered how long it would be until Draco would offer me eternal servitude and blow jobs. He is not yet a year old, so probably not for a while.

Lucius licked his lips. Damn that mouth! Cheap trick. "My impression is that Narcissa would prefer to be a stay at home mom."

Sometimes I tend to go into fits of blind rage, and I think this was one of those times. McNair tells me that Lucius escaped with his bollocks still attached, but that I screamed for both him and his wife to never return to my service.

10:54 AM. Secret Lair.

Missing Lucius. This is a v. bad way to look at things, especially when I have 40 other Loyal Followers to choose from. He is a pussy, and total fuckwit. Perhaps will have him killed.

11:25 AM. Private Chambers.

Had a wank. Am not feeling much better.


~~ 2 Februay 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 40. Muggles killed: 7 (v. good!!!). Wanks: 4 (may as well kill self now). World domination: slow and steady wins the sodding race.

2:31 PM. Secret Lair.

Snape stopped by with word from That Traitorous Worm Lucius. It seems that he greatly misses being in my service, and wishes to return without his wife. Though why she would prefer to stay home and change diapers rather than participate in orgies and bloodbaths is beyond my comprehension.

I said I'd think it over. Then I considered fucking Snape, but really, I just don't find him all that attractive anymore. Could use a good shampoo. And that damned nose is always getting in the way when he's sucking me off. Technique needs improvement.

As soon as he left I started thinking about Lucius and whether I should take him back. That led to a rather vigorous wank.

Am feeling kind of dirty.

5:49 PM. London.

Went on a Muggle killing spree! Hurrah! Suspect I will be something of a genius when it comes to genocide.

9:38 PM. Private Chambers.

Cannot stop thinking about Lucius sodding Malfoy! It's that damned hair, I know it. It's entirely inappropriate that such a whiny moron should be so pretty.

Bellatrix offered to let me fuck her in the arse, but I just can't deal with girl bits at all right now.

More wanking. Am wholly pathetic.

More killing tomorrow to make up for it.


~~ 4 February 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 41 (hurrah!). Muggles killed: 1 (poor). Wanks: 0 (have replaced with excellent blow jobs!). World Domination: too well shagged to care.

11:28 AM. Secret Lair.

Managed to wait two whole days before inviting Lucius back into my service. He kissed my feet and then remained on his knees for other things and all was well.

He confided that his wife has grown frigid since motherhood. So I also gave him Bellatrix for an hour while I watched. V. hot. Rodolphus is starting to get annoyed with this whore of a wife, I think. Too bloody bad.

3:15 PM. Private Chambers.

Tied Lucius to the bed with his own hair. Yum.


~~ 13 March 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 42. Muggles killed: 4 (before breakfast!). Wanks: 1 (under poor circumstances). World Domination: much better!

12:14 PM. Secret Lair.

I don't think I like the new guy. He calls himself Wormtail and has an extremely unfortunate appearance and he'll be no fun at orgies, I can tell. However, he will be v. helpful with the whole world domination thing, as he will be our tool for getting rid of that pesky Potter kid.

I briefly considered saying I thought the prophesy referred to Draco and having Lucius kill his own son to test his service to me... but then I thought, nah, too Old Testament. You know what they say... what's good enough for God is way too fucking boring for the rest of us.

1:12 PM.

Lucius is fucking Snape! This is not on. I mean, orgies are one thing, but flouncing around shagging willy nilly in our secret lair when there are Dark Lords to be worshipped is another entirely.

I was taking a stroll to get some air when I heard a familiar sound coming from behind a suit of armor. A familiar moan, really, that half-whimper-half-groan that Lucius Malfoy always makes when he's trying to keep himself from coming.

I threw my invisibility cloak over my shoulders (obviously I carry it with me everywhere I go, it's terribly useful), and crept against the far wall to spy. And there they were, like black and white. Snape shoved up against the armor with his trousers around his knees, Lucius behind him, fucking like it was his job.

I could have called them out on it, of course. Could have tortured them and/or forced them to service me instead.

But really, it was kind of hot. So I had a wank, and felt rather icky afterwards.

Nearly forgot what a fuckwit Lucius is.


~~ 3 June 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 39 (something must be done!). Muggles killed: 14 (am king of the bloody world!). Wanks: 1 (have rekindled willpower). World Domination: progressing.

4:23 PM. Scotland.

Bloody buggering fucking hell. Jugson and Yacksey and Jones all got themselves captured by bloody Aurors. Unsure whether these were exceptionally clever Aurors or exceptionally dumb L.F.'s. The rest of the massacre went fairly well, however, netting a total 14 (!) dead Muggles before the sodding law showed up.


~~ 12 July 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 43 (Slytherin graduate recruitment! Hurrah!). Muggles killed: 0 (o.k., was otherwise occupied.) Wanks: 0. World Domination: yawn.

5:56 PM. Secret lair.

Time for an annual summer orgy. Have assembled Loyal Followers. Mcnair is looking a bit chubby. Should lay off the sausages.

6:22 PM.

Fucked Bellatrix with Lucius' pimp cane. Made Rodolphus watch. V. hot.

6:43 PM.

Saw Mulciber do something with a goat that should not be put into print.

7:19 PM.

Fucked Lucius while Snape watched. He had a disgusting, sick puppy dog look. If he weren't so clever I'd throw him out.

7:29 PM.

Watched for a while. Briefly missed Narcissa. Bellatrix is such a slut.

7:54 PM.

Oh sweet Merlin what is Avery doing with that... oh. It's just a gherkin.

8:03 PM.

I think that may have been the shortest summer orgy on record. L.F.'s are losing their flair. Should considering getting more girls. Or more boys like Lucius and less like Snape. Or maybe just some flavoured massage oils.

8:13 PM.

Just realized that Wormtail was sitting in the corner by himself the whole time. Creepy. There's just something off about that guy.


~~ 6 September 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 43 (v. good). Muggles killed: 3. Wanks: 2 (poor). World Domination: good.

10:13 AM. Malfoy Estate.

Had tea with Lucius and Narcissa and Senor Draco. Narcissa has her figure back, and was a decent shag over the dining room table. Lucius did not seem too happy about this, but haha too bloody bad, I am the Dark Lord and he is not.

Draco is an exceptionally ugly baby for having such attractive parents. Briefly considered strangling him to put him out of his misery but then decided that he may grow up to be clever like Snape. If he turns out like Wormtail I'll drown him like a runt puppy.

Told Lucius that he is to give up fucking Snape full stop. He seemed v. distressed over this. Cannot imagine why. Snape is still v. ugly.


~~ 4 October 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 41. Muggles killed: 7 (good!). Wanks: 0 (too busy for sex). World domination: v. good!

11:12 AM. Secret Lair.

Good:
Plan to off Potter brat progressing nicely. Should be ready for action any day now.
Have not seen Lucius touch Snape since ultimatum.
Fucking Lucius on regular basis.

Bad:
Two L.F.'s senselessly killed by Aurors on a routine rape and pillage.
Lucius still refuses to divulge hair care secrets.


~~ 30 October 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 41. Muggles killed: 1 (poor, but am busy). Wanks: 3 (also poor, but am upset). World domination: v. soon indeed!!!

2:29 PM. Secret Lair.

Caught Lucius and Snape fucking behind the sodding suits of armor again!!! Am extremely hacked off by this. Were it not for the fact that big plans must be finished before tomorrow, I would have them both killed immediately.

In better news, will be offing Potter brat tomorrow. V. much looking forward to it.

Will have Lucius and Snape raped and tortured immediately following.


~~ 1 November 1981 ~~

Loyal Followers: 0. Muggles killed: 0. Wanks: 0. World domination: dismal.

12:00 AM. Dead.

Fuck.